


Ten Letters

by sasha_b



Series: Live By The Sword [16]
Category: King Arthur (2004), Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 10:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasha_b/pseuds/sasha_b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>  Letters, emails, a phone conversation and a eulogy.  Part of the <i>Live By The Sword ‘verse.  </i>‘Modern’ day AU.  One cop, one crimelord.  Written for the KAFF monthly challenge (December ’05).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten Letters

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't care too much for the writing in this, but I like the idea and since it's part of the 'verse, here it is.

 

Lancelot.

No.

Dear…Lance.

_Heavy sigh._ Not sure how to tell you what I’m feeling right now.  I have your gift in my hand.  The cross is well made; it’s heavy, and seems to have a heat of its own.  I wore it while sleeping last night and I could feel it on my skin – I slept the whole night through.  And you know what a big deal that is.

Don’t laugh at me – I’m sure you are right now, even reading this.  “Sappy, emotional, sentimental Castus.” _Small laugh._ I’d be happy to be known as all three of those if it meant that you loved me.

I don’t mean I want to sleep with you – seriously, don’t laugh. _Grin._ I mean, I … we … I do love you.  You know what I mean.

Hrm…I may never give this to you now.  We’ve known each other for what…four years?  It feels like four lifetimes sometimes.  I think the universe conspired and pushed us together for our own good – regardless of how different we are.  What’s that stupid analogy?  Two sides of the same coin?  Soulmates?  I’m not sure I believe in that concept sometimes – you know the stuff my parents went through. 

And now I’m _sure_ you’re shocked.  Not believing in a concept like soulmates?  I know, I know.  And I didn’t say I don’t believe in it consistantly.  It’s just…God has a plan … I believe he does…and I’m not sure whether his plan for me includes love like that.  Or I wasn’t sure.

_Rubs face, blushes._ Weird for two guys to talk about stuff like this.  But my childhood, my early adolescence – the earlier days, when I didn’t know you?  I was like an empty slate, or something.  Like I knew what I wanted, and what was important to me, but every time I turned a corner or went to a new school, or joined a new group, I was … expectant of something.  And somehow I knew each time, no matter the kindness of the kids or the people I met, that thing I was looking under every leaf and searching every place for wasn’t quite there yet.

And then some weird … thing happened, that day I met Guin.

I’ll have to thank her properly one day, one day when we’re all grown and not so … gangly and awkward and … _broken_ hurt …

Maybe one day the three of us can sit down, maybe someplace we’ve all bought together, and laugh about the first time we met.  Laugh about the stupid crap we all had to endure.

“Look at us now!”

We’ll be there.  Together.  Your sweet sister – and you and me.  I’d call you brother, but that word is inadequate for how I see you.

I love you.  I thank you for the gift.

You have my heart in your hand – and I wouldn’t want it anywhere else.

…shit, I’m really not giving this to you now.   _Laughs harder._

_  
_Arthur

 

 

 

 

Ah, Arthur.

_Snort._ Mama Castus would have loved for you to be here with me.  Rome is interesting.  It’s trashy, dirty, modern, different, and so ancient that it blows my mind.  You were right – it does feel oddly familiar somehow. 

Guin's done nothing but shop the whole time we’ve been here.  I’ve done some of that too (wait til you see what I found for you – ahhahahahaha!) and spent a lot of time – honestly – just walking.  By myself, too.

The construction on the Coliseum is done (the locals swear it was cursed to never be finished), and it’s open at night now, too.  I’ve been wandering the bowels of the thing, and have taken to having lunch out on the bleachers.  You remember what I told you about going to Stonehenge?  How – and I realize this sounds cheesy – powerful it felt?  How it was so obviously … greater than me?  This place is like that.  It’s weird.  I really like it.

Roland texted the other day to tell us they’ve finished most of the building on the club.  It should be up and going by the fall – have you walked by to look at it yet?  I think I’ve finally come up with a name – _Perfect Circle_.  How’s that?  Makes sense when you think about it.

Ugh – I’m gonna close this – I’ve never been one for loads of words.  And to write on paper?  Talk about fucked. _Snort._ But I thought it appropriate coming from this old place, for me at any rate.

I really wish you were here.  I miss you more than I can say – I hope you’re not having too much fun without me???  _smirk._ No, not you.  Not *my* Arthur.

I’ll see you soon.  Another month.

L.

 

 

(partial)…watching you lying in that hospital bed, surrounded by your family, made me realize even more how much I needed you.  Need you.

God damn it, Lancelot.  You can’t endanger yourself like that again.  Especially not for me.  Not for anything.  Gwen was nearly insane with worry.  There’s got to be a way to work this out – something that’ll work for you and for me.  Fuck Roland.  He’s not worth you getting hurt over.  God.

God help me, I love you so much I don’t know how I’d be without you.  Despite our differences, despite the shit we put each other through, despite, or hell, maybe because of the little annoyances and arguments and fights, I love you.  I love you – I love you.  Please, don’t do something like this again.  Please.  We’ll figure something…

(paper torn at bottom)

 

 

Arthur –

Why did they have to send _you_ to tell me?  Why’d _you_ have to drag me out of the club and tell me about Roland’s death?  Why couldn’t Guin have given me the news – it would have been easier.  Might have been possible for me to turn her request down to come home.

Do you know how hard it was for me to drive away from you?  To touch your hand once, and then _drive off?_ To go to that house and see all those people who expected me to be him?  To assume his spot like I was a robot – a replica.

You left me.  You left me alone when I needed someone to hold me up.  How could you do that??? How?  I can’t live like this much longer.  The few years I’ve done this – each one gets danker, and moldier, and more blank.  I could sleep in the basement – surrounded by rats and bugs and still feel as if I wasn’t getting the punishment I deserve for taking up Roland’s mantle.

You were right.  God damn you, you were right.  I *am* better than this.

I’m emailing you.  And if you don’t answer, I’ll call.  I’ll bang down your door, I’ll visit your precinct, I’ll never leave you alone.  You were the only one who could ever help me.

Help me now, Arthur.  I can’t stand.  I’m too weak.  I need your fire and your faith and your body and your soul to hold me up.

(unsent)

 

 

To: [castusa@lapd.org](mailto:castusa@lapd.org)

From: [lanceb@benoitintl.net](mailto:lanceb@benoitintl.net)

Subject:  meeting

Look.  I know you don’t expect to hear from me.  I need to see you.  Things are … well, we need to talk.

Can you meet me in Malibu?  On Wednesday night?  I’ll call you to set up a time and place.

Arthur – there’s a  lot I need to say to you now – there’s a lot I should have said to you a long time ago.  Please, give me a chance.  You won’t be sorry.

I’ll call you later.

L.

 

 

To: [lanceb@benoitintl.net](mailto:lanceb@benoitintl.net)

From: [castusa@lapd.org](mailto:castusa@lapd.org)

Subject: Re: meeting

I’m not sure how to start this – it’s so impersonal and –

I’ll be wherever you need me to be.  But, Lancelot, _just_ you and me.  No bodyguards, no sister, no hangers on.  Whatever needs to be said, you can say to *me*.

I’ll wait for you to call.

A

 

 

 

L –

I want you to be able to see me when you want – not when it’s convenient for me.  Keep this – put it on your damn keychain so you won’t lose it – and don’t give me a hard time, either.  You know how you are with keys.

We’re so awkward around each other now sometimes – it’s like we’re starting again from scratch.  I want to weep realizing it. Remember that first sunset?  God, that little apartment.  The one trip we took to the beach down the PCH.  We need to do that again.  I’m sure you would like my new bike – it’s not as small as the old one, and I’ve restored it almost all the way…

I’m sure you know all this.  Sorry.  I tend to ramble.

At any rate –

It’s a rare blessing and a joy for me to have you back in my life.  I want to take us seriously now.  I want you to feel you can rely on me – can see me when you need – so, use this key when you see fit.  You know where the loft is.

I do love you.  More than breath, more than sky, more than heartbeat.  You _are_ my heartbeat.  Please, please believe that.  Said or unsaid outloud – I want you with me.

A.

(delivered to 2765 2nd st. Santa Monica with a bottle of wine and a key)

 

 

Arthur,

These are for last night.  And for all those times I took you for granted.  I owe you – that picnic was just what I needed.  I don’t think I’ve had that much fun since we went to Monterey – oh shit, do you remember that giant ass shower Guin had installed?  You know, I don’t think I’ve gone surfing since then.  Not the same without you.  We should go again!  Anytime.  Just tell me.

I have a meeting with Cragen after work so don’t wait up.

I love you.

Lance

(left on kitchen table with flowers)

 

 

A:  This is Castus.

B:  Captain, I have some information you’d be interested in.

A:  Who is this?

B:  That doesn’t matter.  The suspicions you’ve been having lately?  They’re right.  There’s a meeting going down at ____ around three this afternoon.  You might want to be there with some backup.

A:  Who the fuck is this?  What are you talking about?

B:  Your boy Benoit – but you knew that, didn’t you?  Haven’t you been listening to the rumors?  He’s on his family’s payroll again.  Follow him to the meeting and you’ll see.

A:  How the fuck do you know –

(dial tone)

 

 

## 

##  _  
_

_Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur_

~The gods never let us love and be wise at the same time _.  Syrus_

My brother wasn’t wise.  But he loved.  He loved with all his being, his soul, his heart.  He loved so strongly that in the end, it killed him.

He was rash, impudant, foolish, garish, and annoying.  And he was my brother.  I loved him.

How do you sum up a person like that?

He burned brightly.  So brightly, he made the rest of us seem to be in permanent shadow. 

He wasn’t my father.  He wasn’t like me.  When he tried to be, his brightness dimmed and his eyes became these hollow, blank things I always hated to see when he wasn’t at his best.

One person, and only one person made him shine.  And I’d like to think a little of my brother rubbed off on that person too.

The term ‘soulmate’ is cliched – but my brother found his.  We should all be so lucky.  We should all be as fortunate to burn like Lancelot.

His end, like his life, was fast, hot, and over too soon.  But I learned something incredibly important from him –

Love, and be foolish.  Burn.  Shine. 

I love you, Lance.

(discarded in trashcan, Guinevere Benoit’s office, Benoit International Building)

 


End file.
